With practice, anyone can speak with connoisseur's authority on wine or caviar.
Insider's idiom
Ummm: Risk-free, reliable, and easy to remember. This neutral term can be calibrated to express either anxiety or delight. 'Ummm' is of the same vintage as Dan Maskel's "Oh, I say". Maskell, the BBC's venerated tennis commentator, was the voice of Wimbledon from 1951 to 1991. His catchphrase, served in several subtle tonal textures, was always an ace.
Delicate as a tender mesquite: Works well for wines. Mesquite is an American tree often used for making charcoal. Similes that creep around botany's branches are still favoured by some wine critics. But beware of neo-connoisseurs who may testily dismiss you with the classic back-to-basics slight: "I personally prefer my wine to taste of grapes." By the way, mesquite can be interchanged with casuarina, pine, or verbena
It reminds me of that famous 'Combray' moment in Proust's great novel: Apt when dessert is being served. The incident describes how a hesitant nibble of the madeleine cake makes warm childhood memories course through the mind of the narrator. Don't worry, nobody has ever read the whole novel, which for the record, is Á la recherche du temps perdu. Yes, Proust wrote in French, and the English version is known as Remembrance of Things Past. No, the book has not been adapted by Clint Eastwood - just yet.
Signs of a pretender
Delectable: Pretenders' padding, guaranteed to relegate you to the loneliest single-seat couch at any gathering. You can use this word with smug recklessness only at a costume party to which you go dressed as 'Microsoft Word Document'.
Melting in the mouth: Some prickly usage gurus have pointed out that even a dog's refuse would melt in the mouth.
Scrumptious: A dodgy choice if some drunk asks you to spell it.
This drink tastes great: Remember the hostel room, cheap rum, and plastic tumblers? Back then everything was either great or screwed. The chic don't like it straight, especially when talking of Scotch smuggled during a training programme in Bangkok. Go to google.com and try to learn something about the 'drink that sounds like Glenn McGrath'.
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If something is really bad (i.e. it doesn't measure up to my highly refined sense of taste), in America, you can say: 'this wine (or food) tastes like shit!' Or, when looking at really bad art in some posh gallery or museum, you can say to your friend: 'his/her work is crap!' The worst possible thing you can say about anything is: 'it's aaahhh, interesting'. Of course all of the above should only be muttered in polite cocktail parties, snobby openings in New York's Chelsea gallery district, fancy dinners, or at rodeos, stock car races, or Texas barbecues.
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